I remember going on family vacations as a little kid. We would all pile into our fifteen passenger van (or suburban, depending on which decade we’re talking about). The energy bouncing around in that tiny space was probably enough to power a small village. I remember thinking about all the fun we would have, impatiently counting down the hours and minutes as they crept by. The anticipation was almost as fun as the actual vacation.
This is kind of how college feels to me. I’m at a place in life where there is a lot of anticipation. I’m working towards something bigger. It’s like I’m heading for the top of a mountain. I can enjoy the scenery, but I’m not at my final destination yet.
But behind all the excitement there is a fear. There are a lot of things to worry about in college. Did I pick the right major? Am I studying enough? Who will I hang out with? Will the decisions I made last night affect the rest of my life? Is the fruit in this poptart nutritious? And then there is the fear of nothing. The fear of boredom.
The future is scary. Right now it’s okay, because I’m not there yet. But what if, when I’ve finally arrived, my life is unsatisfying? What if after all this waiting, life is simply – boring? It’s literally a fear of nothingness.
Everyone is afraid sometimes, some more than others. Some people let fear run their lives. There is a plethora of things to be afraid of, if you think about it. Corruption, disease, heartbreak, failure, pain. But a fear of nothing is different. It’s a fear of an anticlimactic life. Maybe it’s not just boredom I’m afraid of. Maybe behind the boredom there is a fear of unfulfillment, or mediocrity, or repetition, or loneliness.
Trust is hard. I’m the kind of person who questions everything. I always have. I can’t help it. It’s hard to be content when there is so much to be unsure of. But behind the fear, I know that there is beauty and truth and excitement in the world. I can see it around me, and sometimes I can feel it. God made me to be fulfilled in Him, not terrified of how my life will turn out.
At some point I realize that now is the time to be satisfied. Now is the time to be thankful. There is comfort in not knowing, in a way. My life is not my own. As hard as it is to accept it, God knows what will make me happy far better than I do.
Everything will be okay.